Be Strong

Category: Domestic Violence Education

Understanding the complexities of domestic violence, including recognition of warning signs, patterns of abuse, and paths to safety. Evidence-based information to help survivors, supporters, and professionals recognize and respond to domestic violence.

  • Recognising Red Flags

    Recognising Red Flags by JD using ChatGPT

    The Early Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

    Building on the first article that introduced the different forms of domestic violence, this article will dive into the red flags that often appear early in abusive relationships. These warning signs are crucial to recognize because they often signal a larger pattern of control and manipulation to come.

    Love Bombing and Future Faking

    Overwhelming affection early in the relationship that creates an intense emotional bond. Alongside the future faking, the promise of the perfect partner, the promise of the happy ever after.

    Love Bombing by JD using ChatGPT

    Grand Gestures

    In the beginning, abusers frequently use grand gestures to overwhelm their partner. These gestures might include expensive gifts, extravagant dates, or overly romantic declarations of love. The abuser wants the victim to feel special and believe that they are entering a one-of-a-kind relationship. This tactic creates a sense of obligation and indebtedness in the victim, subtly manipulating them into feeling like they owe the abuser something in return. It’s also a way to fast-track intimacy, blurring the victim’s ability to notice potential red flags. We’ve all experienced it when we have our “love blinkers” on. Abusers prey on the one value that is one of our best and worst. Hope.

    Hope as a Vulnerability

    Hope is one of humanity’s greatest strengths but, in the hands of an abuser, it becomes a tool for manipulation. In these early stages, victims aren’t just swept off their feet by romantic gestures; they’re fueled by the hope that this relationship is the fulfillment of their dreams. This hope blinds them to inconsistencies or early signs of controlling behavior. When abusers make grand promises, the victim clings to the hope that the perfect future they envision will come true, even when the reality starts to show cracks.

    Abusers exploit this, knowing that as long as the victim is holding onto hope, they are less likely to question the whirlwind speed of the relationship or challenge any discomfort they might be feeling. The victim may even rationalize early warning signs, convincing themselves that no one is perfect, and that love requires compromise. By weaponizing hope, abusers keep their victims emotionally invested long enough for the real abuse to begin.

    Promises of a Perfect Future

    Abusers often make grand promises about the future, painting an idealized picture of life together. They might talk about marriage, kids, or moving in together very early in the relationship. This future-faking creates a sense of security and excitement, making the victim invest emotionally and ignore their instincts about any warning signs. Abusers know that by giving the victim a vision of a dream future, they can hook them into staying even when the present becomes difficult.

    This is also particularly effective on those who have been through DV before, and recently. Abusers will often seek out someone who has been in a DV relationship before.

    Fast-Paced Relationship Development

    Speed is a hallmark of the Idealization phase. Abusers often push for quick progression, like moving in together, getting engaged, or declaring their love within a few weeks. The rapid pace leaves little time for the victim to critically evaluate the relationship. Often not allowing sufficient alone time where the emotions settle down and you are able to replay events and look at them logically. Abusers may say things like “I’ve never felt this way before” or “I just know you’re the one,” pushing the victim to reciprocate feelings or commitments before they are ready. By accelerating the relationship, the abuser prevents the victim from seeing their true nature until they are already emotionally or physically invested.

    DV Doesn’t Discriminate by JD using ChatGPT

    The Psychological Impact

    These tactics combine to create a potent emotional bond that is hard to break. The victim begins to believe that they’ve found something incredibly rare, which sets them up for confusion when the devaluation phase inevitably follows. Victims often cling to the memory of the grand gestures and promises, hoping that the abuser will revert to that loving, attentive person. This creates a cognitive dissonance, as the victim struggles to reconcile the initial perfect relationship with the escalating control and abuse.

    Why It’s Dangerous

    At first glance, the abuser’s intense affection, grand gestures, and promises of a perfect future may seem flattering. After all, who wouldn’t want to feel deeply loved and valued? But these tactics are designed to build emotional dependency quickly. The abuser creates an environment where the victim feels both cherished and obligated, making it difficult for them to pull away once control starts to creep in. By fast-tracking the relationship, the abuser leaves the victim little time to develop a clear sense of boundaries, which sets the stage for a trauma bond.

    The Link to Trauma Bonding

    Trauma bonding occurs when the abuser alternates between extreme kindness and cruelty, trapping the victim in a cycle of emotional highs and lows. In the Idealization phase, abusers shower the victim with love and attention, creating an emotional “high.” This makes the victim feel special, leading them to believe that they’ve found something rare and worth holding onto, even when the abuser begins to devalue or control them.

    As the abuse escalates, the victim may find themselves holding onto the memory of the “good times” from the Idealization phase, convinced that if they just act the right way or endure long enough, they can return to that blissful period. The abuser reinforces this by occasionally throwing out small tokens of affection or promises of change, keeping the victim locked in place. The emotional whiplash between love and pain becomes addictive, trapping the victim in a cycle of trauma bonding that makes it incredibly hard to leave the relationship.

    The long-term damage this causes is doubt and trust issues when someone comes along who is genuinely a loving, caring partner. The potential for pushing away or ruining a genuine relationship later, as a result, is devastating when trying to heal from trauma.

    Long-Term Damage

    The emotional toll of these manipulative tactics is profound. Over time, they erode the victim’s ability to trust, not only in others but in themselves. Victims often emerge from abusive relationships with deep-seated doubt and confusion about their own judgment. When someone genuinely loving and caring comes along later, it can be difficult to recognize or accept that person’s authenticity. The victim may find themselves pushing away a healthy relationship, afraid of being hurt again, or even sabotaging it unconsciously as a form of self-protection.

    This fear of repeating the past can be devastating when trying to heal from trauma. The weight of past manipulation can cast a shadow over future relationships, making it hard to trust the intentions of others. Victims may struggle with feelings of unworthiness or feel that they are too damaged for real love.

    The Path to Healing

    However, awareness is a crucial step toward healing. By understanding the tactics used by abusers and recognizing how trauma bonding has impacted them, victims can begin to rebuild their trust, first in themselves, and then in others. Healing from trauma is a process, but with the right support, it is possible to be open to a healthy relationship in the future. Learning to spot red flags early on, setting boundaries, and taking things at a pace that feels safe are all important tools that can help prevent a return to abusive dynamics.

    Being aware of the emotional traps that led to past abuse allows survivors to empower themselves, ensuring they are better equipped to protect their hearts while still staying open to the possibility of love.

    Psychological Impact by JD using ChatGPT

    Testing Boundaries

    Abusers don’t typically jump straight into overtly abusive behavior; they start small, testing how much control they can exert over their victim. This phase is often subtle, and the boundary-pushing is easily overlooked because the actions might seem insignificant at first. By pushing small boundaries early on, abusers can gauge how compliant their victim is and adjust their tactics accordingly.

    Boundary testing often begins with seemingly harmless actions. The abuser may start by ignoring the victim’s preferences, such as dismissing their choice of restaurant or activity in favor of their own. They might offer small, controlling suggestions like commenting on the victim’s clothing choices, suggesting they “dress more conservatively” or “look sexier.” These remarks are often framed as caring advice, which makes them difficult to challenge without feeling rude or ungrateful. They are more often than not shaped as a back-handed compliment.

    As the relationship progresses, the abuser may begin to control who the victim spends time with, discouraging friendships they feel threatened by or making negative comments about close friends and family. They might say things like, “I just don’t trust your friend; I don’t think she’s good for you,” planting seeds of doubt to isolate the victim slowly.

    How to Spot It

    The key to spotting boundary testing is recognizing patterns. While one small violation may seem insignificant, repeated small boundary pushes, especially if they are rationalized or downplayed by the abuser, should be a red flag. Abusers may brush off their behavior as “just trying to help” or accuse the victim of overreacting if they voice discomfort. Over time, these small violations escalate, giving the abuser greater control while making the victim feel increasingly dependent.

    Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore — Jealousy, Control, and Inconsistency

    Abusers often exhibit signs of extreme jealousy or controlling behavior early on, but they disguise these actions as care, concern, or protectiveness. These behaviors might feel flattering at first, but they can quickly evolve into more severe forms of control.

    One of the first signs of abusive tendencies is a partner monitoring social activities. The abuser may start by asking innocent-seeming questions about the victim’s day-who they spent time with, where they went-but this can escalate into demands for constant check-ins or even tracking the victim’s location. Restricting access to friends and family is another common tactic. The abuser may try to isolate the victim by making them feel guilty for wanting to spend time with others or by convincing them that no one else cares about them as much as the abuser does.

    Being overly possessive is also a red flag. Abusers might call or text obsessively or get angry when the victim doesn’t respond immediately. They may react disproportionately to interactions with others, accusing the victim of being flirtatious or unfaithful when no such behavior has occurred.

    Perhaps one of the most confusing tactics abusers use is inconsistency-switching between extreme charm and hostility. One moment they might be excessively loving and affectionate, making grand gestures to “make up” for previous controlling behavior. The next moment, they might be distant, cold, or even angry, leaving the victim walking on eggshells, unsure of what caused the shift.

    This inconsistency keeps the victim off-balance. When abusers are kind and charming, the victim clings to those moments, hoping they’ll last, which makes them more willing to overlook the negative behavior. It creates a cycle of emotional highs and lows that pulls the victim deeper into the relationship, forming part of the trauma bond.

    By JD using ChatGPT

    Empower Yourself with Awareness

    Recognizing these early red flags is essential to breaking the cycle of control and manipulation in an abusive relationship. While the tactics abusers use can be subtle and insidious, being aware of these patterns helps protect your boundaries and rebuild trust, both in yourself and others. Remember, it’s not just about spotting the signs, but also about empowering yourself to act on them.

    If you’re interested in learning more, join our free educational Zoom call on Sunday, October 27th at 3 PM (Perth time), where we’ll dive deeper into recognizing abusive behaviors and building resilience in the face of trauma. This call is part of a series of discussions, and you’ll have a chance to ask questions and share your experiences in a safe and confidential space. This is a 100% no sales talk, guaranteed. Purely for sharing information and a safe place to talk. You can be an anonymous guest. Your privacy and safety is of the utmost importance.

    Additionally, The Abuser’s Playbook series of articles will soon form part of a free ebook resource, offering you a comprehensive guide to identifying and escaping the tactics abusers use. This ebook will be available to all members of the Be Strong community as a tool to support your journey toward healing.

    Take the first step by following me at Be Strong Coaching, and together, we can work toward a future of empowerment and strength.

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  • Unmasking Abuse

    Unmasking Abuse

    The Different Forms of Domestic Violence and the Abuser’s Playbook

    Unmasking Abuse stages by JD using ChatGPT

    Who I Am

    I’m just an average guy from Australia, but I’ve always been an advocate for standing up against abuse. Growing up, my father taught me that you don’t hit girls, and as I got older, I learned that violence isn’t the answer in any situation — not even with other men. This belief shaped my early years and led me to look out for women who were being harassed at clubs or pubs. Throughout my life, many of my friends have been women, and I’ve always listened to their experiences, which has deepened my understanding of the challenges they face.

    I’ve also been on the receiving end of domestic violence in two significant relationships. My first marriage, though short, escalated from emotional to physical abuse. Years later, I found myself in a far more severe situation with my son’s mother, which left me as a single father. These experiences, along with listening to the voices of women who share their stories on social media, have driven me to speak out, share my experiences, and help others become more informed about the realities of abuse. Unmasking abuse so people can recognise it earlier.

    Over time, I’ve noticed that many abusers follow a similar, predictable pattern — almost as if they’re reading from the same playbook. They’re not as smart as they think, and their tactics become obvious once you know what to look for. That’s why I’m writing these articles and hosting Zoom calls — to help people spot the early red flags, understand the escalation of abuse, and recognise the manipulation that continues even after someone tries to leave.

    I want to arm survivors and their supporters with the knowledge to see through these tactics and take action before it’s too late. My ultimate goal is to compile these insights into a book — because while the abuse may take different forms, the abuser’s methods are often shockingly similar. Together, we can expose their playbook and support those who need it most.

    Domestic violence (DV) is more than just physical harm. It encompasses various forms of abuse, each designed to control the victim in different ways. From emotional manipulation to financial control, the methods abusers use can vary, but their goal remains the same: power and dominance. In this article, we’ll explore the different types of abuse victims face, and introduce the idea that many abusers follow similar, predictable patterns of behavior.

    By JD using ChatGPT

    The Many Faces of Abuse

    Abuse takes on many forms, each affecting the victim in unique but devastating ways. Recognizing these types of abuse is the first step toward breaking free from their cycle. Here are the most common forms of domestic abuse:

    1. Physical Abuse Physical violence is often the most visible form of abuse and includes hitting, kicking, pushing, or any act intended to cause physical harm. However, it can also include actions like blocking someone’s exit or restraining them against their will.

    Example: An abuser slapping their partner but dismissing it as “just a one-time thing.”

    2. Emotional and Psychological Abuse This form of abuse involves constant belittling, humiliation, threats, and verbal attacks. Psychological manipulation, including gaslighting, undermines the victim’s sense of reality, making them question their own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions.

    Example: Telling the victim they’re “overreacting” or “crazy” when they express concerns about the abuser’s behavior.

    3. Financial Abuse By controlling finances, abusers can limit the victim’s independence. This includes restricting access to bank accounts, preventing the victim from working, or controlling every aspect of the household budget.

    Example: The abuser gives a minimal allowance to their partner, forcing them to ask for basic necessities.

    4. Sexual Abuse Sexual abuse includes forcing or coercing sexual acts, often as a way to assert power. It can also involve manipulating reproductive rights, like sabotaging contraception to control the victim’s choices.

    Example: Coercing a partner into sex under threat of violence or emotional punishment. Threatening to go outside the relationship if denied sex.

    5. Social Abuse (Isolation) Abusers frequently isolate victims from friends, family, and support networks. This isolation makes the victim more dependent on the abuser and less likely to seek help.

    Example: Convincing the victim that their friends and family are against them or don’t care about their well-being.

    6. Digital Abuse In the modern era, abusers use technology to stalk, harass, or control their victims. This includes monitoring phone calls, social media activity, or tracking the victim’s location.

    Example: Constantly checking the victim’s social media and demanding access to all their online accounts.

    Introducing the Abuser’s Playbook

    Although the methods of abuse may differ, many abusers follow a disturbingly predictable pattern. Their behavior often aligns with what’s called the “cycle of abuse,” a repetitive process that keeps victims trapped and controlled.

    The Cycle of Abuse: A Predictable Path

    Stage 1: Idealization (Love Bombing)
    At the beginning of the relationship, the abuser showers the victim with affection, attention, and promises of a bright future. This “honeymoon” phase creates a deep bond and emotional dependency. The abuser often portrays the perfect partner — someone who seems to fulfill the victim’s deepest desires and needs. This creates a powerful emotional attachment and sets the stage for future manipulation.

    The Mask Slips: Mourning the Illusion
    While it’s normal for people to put their best face forward early in a relationship, abusers go beyond this, creating an extreme version of the partner they believe the victim wants. Once the relationship progresses — often after the first few months of living together — this false persona starts to fade, and the real, controlling nature of the abuser emerges. The victim is left longing for the partner they thought they had, trying to “fix” or return to that idealized version, not realizing that it was an illusion all along. What they mourn is not the person, but the idea of the relationship they were promised — a dream that never truly existed.

    Stage 2: Devaluation
    Once the abuser feels secure in the relationship, they begin to criticize and belittle the victim. The victim is made to feel as though they can never live up to the abuser’s expectations, which keeps them off balance and more easily controlled.

    Stage 3: Control, Isolation, and Manipulation
    As the relationship progresses, the abuser tightens their grip. They begin to control the victim’s movements, finances, and relationships. Isolation from friends and family makes it increasingly difficult for the victim to seek help or gain perspective from outsiders.

    In this stage, abusers often ramp up their manipulation, provoking what’s known as reactive abuse. They intentionally push the victim to an emotional breaking point — whether through relentless criticism, gaslighting, or other forms of psychological abuse. The goal is to provoke the victim into lashing out in a moment of frustration or distress. When the victim reacts — perhaps by yelling or even pushing back — the abuser seizes this moment, isolating it from the context of ongoing abuse, and then pointing it out to friends, family, or authorities as evidence of the victim’s instability or “craziness.”

    This tactic is part of a larger strategy known as DARVO:

    • Deny the abuse,
    • Attack the victim’s credibility, and
    • Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender.

    By painting themselves as the victim, the abuser shifts blame, further isolating the real victim from their support system. This confusion makes it even harder for the victim to recognize the truth of their situation or for others to offer help.

    Stage 4: Escalation (The Crisis)
    Abuse escalates to more intense forms — this may be physical violence, severe emotional abuse, or other coercive behaviors. The abuser frames their actions as justified, often blaming the victim for the escalation.

    Stage 5: Reconciliation (Honeymoon Phase)
    After an abusive incident, the abuser apologizes, promises to change, or manipulates the victim into believing that they are responsible for the abuser’s actions. This temporary peace lulls the victim into staying, as they hope for a return to the loving behavior they experienced during the idealization phase.

    Understanding these predictable steps is crucial. When victims can recognize the signs of abuse early, they can begin to see the broader pattern and take steps to protect themselves. By exposing these tactics, we empower victims to recognize the dangerous cycle they are in and seek help before it escalates further.

    Abuse is not always obvious, but by recognizing its different forms and understanding the abuser’s predictable patterns, we can bring light to hidden abuses. This awareness is the first step toward breaking free and finding safety.

    In our next discussion, we will explore how to identify red flags before abuse escalates, helping others recognize the warning signs early on. We’ll also discuss steps you can take to protect yourself at each stage.

    I have scheduled a Zoom call to discuss this article and answer any questions you may have or cover anything I might have missed. Follow me at Be Strong — Coaching. The first session is planned for Sunday, October 13th.

    There will be absolutely no sales talk whatsoever. The articles and Zoom calls are part of the free resources I am developing because I believe these important subjects have been kept in the dark for far too long.

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